Doc Lydgate

In the spirit and tradition of pottersues's marvelous FAQ, I bring you a FAQ of my very own (although hers is still better). I'm really neither important nor high-traffic enough to merit a FAQ, but it's fun to pretend I am, so you're getting one anyway.

( FAQ )

Sporking the First
Sporking the Second
Sporking the Third
Sporking the Fourth

Sporking the First
Sporking the Second

Sporking the First
Sporking the Second

Sporking the First, "Love and Deceit"
Sporking the Second, "Our Little Girl"

Just for the record, I enjoyed this book. No, I didn't think it was the bestest book ever, or even the bestest Potter book ever; yes, one of My Worst Fears Regarding Snape did come true, and I did want to ralph all over the book; yes, it did sometimes read as a very long checklist and some of the final scenes working out the complexities of the Harry-Voldemort connection did remind me of the scene from "Princess Bride" where the stupid Sicillian is arguing back and forth about which cup he'll drink; yes--

--but never mind all that. I enjoyed the book. Especially when Dumbledore was being as manipulative as we all knew he could be. Oh, Dumbledore. *♥s*

All the same, this send-up of it is fucking funny. It is made of win and awesome and ice cream and I want one for my birthday. So go read it. Right now.

(But only if you've already finished DH, or else have a yearning for spoilers. Duh.)

And I would like to add: The last-minute plot elements of DOOM? It burnssss us, precious.

Okay, it's no longer anywhere near Valentine's Day. Punctuality isn't really my thing. But just pretend.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for the "random story" feature over on SycophantHex. I could never have found half my current material without it.

Also, I now have a FAQ. More because I enjoy being able to say that I have a FAQ than because I actually merit one, but still.

Story or Series Title: Love and Deceit
Fandom: Nominally, Harry Potter.
Culprit Author's Name: DarkRoseBlood.
Full Name (plus titles if any): Hermione Granger
Full Species(es): Puella tenebrossisima, the Nicky the Goth Wants His Thesaurus Back Sue. (Snape's possession of "immoral obsidian orbs" would elevate him to the status of a Stu, but he doesn't talk enough.)
Hair Color: "Lovely waves of russet hair."
Eye Color: "[Her] eyes had seen too much in her relatively young life." Hey, haunted eyes ought to qualify as a Sue trait. But if you're one of those damned traditionalists, they're also "unforgiving pools of endless brown." And yes. They are also chocolate.
Unusual Markings: "My hands became stained with their blood as it spilled upon the vile graveyard, pooling treacherously around me!"
Special Clothing: A "flowing burgundy robe." You just can't torture somebody in tan, or periwinkle, or mint. It's got to be something snappy.
Special Possessions: Hermione: A knife. Snape: Blood.
Annoying Origin: The unholy union of Nora Roberts and Charles Baudelaire?
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Murdering canon characters. No, not in the usual, coyly figurative Deleterian sense. In the murdering-them-sense.
Annoying Special Abilities: The ability to get a lot of creative English past the SycophantHex admins.
Other Annoying Traits: Repeatedly personifying obsidian.


This fic takes on what is actually a very interesting question: If Snape and Hermione did become involved, and Snape subsequently were to betray her and all the Order, just what would Hermione do about it?

Unfortunately, the prose, which bleeds even more than Snape does in this fic, pretty much kills it.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

A/N: Just a very weird, very dark ficlet from my twisted little sadistic mind. o.O ::smirks::
Hermione: You know, if you think you're dark and twisted, you probably aren't. The world would be a much less pretentious place if only everybody would remember that.
Snape: The emoticon strikes just the right dark note.

( Dario Argento called. He wants his drugs back. )

I ♥ this wank. It is dear and it is precious. There's just something about the fact that there are people wanking about the weather. Not in the possible-discrimination-in-the-form-of-witholding-aid sense. In the that's-fine-for-those-who-like-snow,-but-what-about-those-who-don't? sense.

It's adorable.

http://www.journalfen.net/community/otf_wank/526737.html#cutid1

And the thing is, I sound like I'm being sarcastic when I say it's adorable, but I'm not. The crazy thing is, I'm not.

To be added to as necessary.

SDT Rule, or SDT Violation: Stands for "'Show, Don't Tell' Rule." Writing in the narrative, for example, that this scene was/is "super erotic" would then be an SDT Violation. See (origin).

This made me laugh until I was in tears.

No matter how hard I try, no matter what sort of meticulous craftsmanship I might conceivably put into it, I could never be as funny as this.

Everybody should go enjoy this immediately.

deft3k

Well, I pretty much prefer to read--read other people wise-cracking, that is--but I figured I'd create this journal in case I ever felt the need to wise-crack myself. Feel free to friend me, though I can't imagine why you would since nobody knows me!